Nothing happens by accident. Your present knowledge, attitude and actions are influenced entirely by your education and social background which include everything you learnt from your parents, family, school, college and work; people you met and events you participated in. All those aspects would have influenced you and moulded your current perceptions and character. For example, if you are used to seeing people stealing to survive you will come to see that kind of activity as the only acceptable way to live because everybody else does it. In such a situation, stealing would not be regarded as deviant, but routine.
This belief would not change unless you were shown a different way or you began to mix with people who survive by other means. But old habits die hard and you would take a lot of convincing before you eventually changed your behaviour. That is the main reason why some people never recover from a traumatic or unhappy childhood, particularly if others reinforce their negative experience in later life. People who change easily would already have their doubts, or be actively seeking a new perspective and approach. They would need only a catalyst to push them into that positive direction.
It is a lack of confidence, faith and trust in others and their capabilities, that causes people to seek to control their existence and interactions unnecessarily. They believe they are the centre of the universe, around which all other stars must revolve. They actually perceive that if they let go or act differently, everything would fall apart and others would not be able to cope. But should they fall ill, be out of the picture or simply drop dead, there is one guarantee above all. After the initial shock of the loss, people around them would continue as usual, and perhaps in an even more competent manner. One only has to think of children who lose their parents to see how quickly they adapt to their new circumstances and get on with their lives. The trauma would be felt, but circumstances dictate that we can never stand and stare. We always have to move on in time with the relentless flow of life, much wiser from the experience.
Fears Dictate Action
Despite a history of low esteem, we are all capable of change, if we really want it. But it won't come without great effort because change is the thing we fear most. We genuinely believe we lose the old us, like favourite suits we have grown accustomed to, or lose the old ways of doing things, which make us feel comfortable. But, fear of losing our old selves is groundless. Only thoughts and actions change, not people, and each of us has power over what we think and do. We do change, yes, but not in some dramatic way, only in small, imperceptible shifts which then amount to a whole new experience when viewed over a period of time - rather like still frames on a film which become animated when they are run together.
We become gradually more confident, and worldly-wise, but our personality does not change. The only things which would change are the knowledge of our surroundings, our ability to deal with life's challenges, knowledge of the choices available to us, our perception of our situation and our routine actions. It is our fears which dictate our actions and, if we are fearful, we will be reluctant to act. We would still change in those circumstances, but, being forced, the process would be more superficial, stressful and problematic.
I am a living example of background and education dictating my confidence. My childhood had two significant and far-reaching traumas. Without any form of counselling, I felt unable to let go of the memories which dominated my life for nearly 30 years. I was inexplicably prone to frequent depression, often with a desire to end it all, and very low self-esteem. There were tons of tears, constantly feeling worthless and devalued, and even blocking out a significant part of my childhood to avoid the pain of recall. A cathartic exchange with a complete stranger, who had suffered some pretty damaging things in his life too, helped me to rise above my pain, to put the awful memories behind me and to renew my life with much confidence, vigour and self-respect.
Years after that metamorphosis, I feel absolutely fearless as a confidence guru. Now I marvel at the new, positive and dynamic woman who is a much stronger version of the old fearful and negative one. In fact, often I find it hard to believe that the former person existed, wit the change in me being so dramatic.
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Try the CONFIDENCE QUIZ on http://cyprah-quizzes.blogspot.com/2007/05/confidence-quiz.html The results could change your life and achievements. Confidential advice on personal/relationship issues is also available on http://www.myspace.com/elaineone
ELAINE SIHERA is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a Personal Empowerment and Relationships Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"
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